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CrakshakJohn
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Name: Alex
Gender: Female
Interests: Listening to music, chillin' w/friends, cruising in mai ride, shopping, talkin' on da fone, eating
Expertise: Being ME ;-)
Occupation: Student
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message me
Member Since:
6/22/2004
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| for some reason, certain thoughts and feelings are not said aloud...its wen we say it outloud that it no longer seems unreal to us, the thought becomes frighteningly tangible and very real.... | | |
| Holla! so i was approached with an important decision today. i asked myself who should i call to help me out? As much as the answer is God, just open upto him, talk to him...its something that i do plan to pray abt with him. i hate to think a lot of my entries in here had to do with marriage. to the point with whomever reads it is like about to vomit. but im sure u can see where this is going. I was raised with the question "Did you want a marriage here or in india?" i was caught off guard. and i laffed. imagine someone like me, whose been betting all her rocks on the whole arranged marriage in india, being asked this question. It caught me off guard because, in case you havent guessed it allready, somethin must have changed, and it did...Just like how back wen i was 18, i planned out the next 4 yeardegree and my arranged marriage by 22 or 23 to a guy who was 29 or 30 ( this is a rounded number b/c men are supposedly ready to be mature)...but He reminded me it wasnt my plan, but that i was part of His plan...i really had no other choice but this- to believe He really has something out there, something better out there. Its a thought that kept me going I couldnt easily answer that question for my parents. In no way am i blaming Him. My mind and heart is slowly being changed. Yet my heart is being guarded and my mind raises a lot of questions. I ask myself "Am I happy?" and when there is a 50/50 answer, what are you suppose to think? i felt happier when i was protected from the reality of what its like to be talking to someone who really cares about you. But we cant stay protected forever, can we? i sigh... what actually happened: "i dont know, i cant think about that now...".."well, maybe we'll put some ad for u in the papers, for some smart, nice behaved, moderate looking boy" and i just shrugged its not like i wasnt given a choice. I was. I just didnt know what to choose. My advice is no matter how much I try to put myself in others' shoes before giving advice, no matter how objective/unbiased my advice is, its not that simple wen it happens to me. When friends are telling u that u can do better, and u deserve better. but u cant make that decision of listening to their advice because there is all this weight bearing u down from doing. I think that weight is something calld emotion. i am blessed. i am grateful. And at few points in my life, i had blissful happiness. with Jason (dare i mention his name), with spiritual highs (going onto being a sophmore in hs and wen i came back from conference in 04)... | | |
| so in some time i will be heading off to a retreat. i really felt like it was a battle of good and evil. i mean- y wouldnt someone want to go to one, right? for whatever reasons given, there is somethin compelling me, somethin i cant explain, no reasons, no pros and cons list. i felt like it took a long and difficult road to get me to be who i am right now. and im scared when i return, some of that will be shredded. ill be different, the way i think will be different. then why am i going, right? again, i cant explain it. gosh...so much has happened within the last four years. right now, a good friend and I are having our battles with God. Sure, people promise us that He has a better plan. but what He did to us this far has been upsetting. I sure count his blessings, for all the simple things that He gives me every day, that are not soo simple to others. But both of our roads are either stuck or the climb is going to get much harder. Last year, she went for the retreat. and i din go with her cuz i told her i will NEVER go back. my spiritual high lasted only so long. and i even gave her a list of reasons NOT to go the summer before she went. but that poor thing went. and the social aspects of the retreat beat her up enuff so she wud never go back. same ol faces, more fake ones now, no one talking to her, of course they knew who she was, but they just didnt want to go up to her and talk. and she's allready talked to them before. i know the same shit is gonna happen to me. she and i are like two peas in a pod. so im trying to convince myself, just go for God. go to just pray. at the very most and least, just go to pray for her, for your family and friends, for whatever it is you are doing in school. you know- she's always been very obediant to God. and NO- we cant have ne expectations where THAT will take us in life, but we still hope and expect we'll be given a break- some chance- luck , whatever its called, to get the thing we want. and we both felt screwed over by Him with that. so im gonna go objectively, and try to keep my heart open, and try not to cry when i know words hit home a lot closer than people know. and one of the worst feelings is knowing when i come back, even if i did slightly change, my problems will still be here. and such a struggle not to go down with them. ruth told me go to the retreat, maybe it'll help u to DEAL with those matters. and even before she said that, i thought about it. well- the next two weeks will be busy. thanks for ur ears =) | | |
| hi. so i was watching oprah's episode on a new earth. and then there was some short clip of it on youtube that a watched a moment ago. I was reading all the comments, and was like "wooah!" a lot of comments appeared negative towards Oprah and this new book. calling it the anti-christ and how there are so many oprah followers. All this did was bring me back to lil moments i had with my bible study mentors. i remember one of my mentors calling Oprah the Devil. And another mentor jus totally against the radio talkshow host Delilah that comes on in the evenings on 93.9. And to me, everything ive been hearing is just opinions that people have every right to say, jus like what im about to say. I dont believe there is anything wrong with Oprah. From what i saw clips of, she stated that she does believe in Jesus, but that does not mean she is going to disregard that other people have their own beliefs. I dont believe Oprah should be blamed for her million or so followers. The followers are a group of their own, who knows, maybe the dont have a strong head on their shoulders or maybe they need a good kick from Oprah to get their life back on the road. Everyone is different! But Oprah went through her own stuggles even though she was born and raised a Christian. That still didnt prevent her from being raped or molested. But she does state that her God helped her through that all. Sometimes people go through living in hell here on earth (by this i mean severly tragic events) before they find God and feel peace with him. In my mind, i wonder who am I to judge, who are we? Until we walked a mile in someone else's shoes, will we ever know. i give props to Oprah and Delilah for talking and promoting God in such a media frenzied time where religion is so sensitive to talk about. When i left a retreat a while back, they told us that we are going back into the REAL world with whatever knowledge we grasped. I knew some people who i felt would have it easy, they'd go back to college where they have a bible study group, and other chistians who are jus like them, maybe there is love and support in that circle. I was really sad abt leaving that retreat because i knew that when i go back, the problems id be able to escape for 5 days would still be there...its a place which involves being tied down with responsibilites and the living situation at home...where eventually those problems tear u down bit by bit leaving you to wonder, where is God and why is this happening to me? for an understanding person - they may see that one can glorify God through this and pull closer. But if u're the weaker of the two, u jus feel confused. So sometimes i see what Oprah means cuz i can relate, the fact that sometimes people can keep coming back to God after w/e it is that they've been through. maybe God brought that book into certain peoples lives. if u ever heard of Maslow's Heirarchy, u may know that self-actualization is at the tip of this pyramid. Maybe some people could use this as a stepping stone and be well on their way to forming a relationship with God. a lot of things i believe have to do with self-reflection (it may not come out in sooo many words, but im still human, growing, learning changing)...like did i remove the speck in my eye before im going to help some one else remove the one in their eye? | | |
| so today, after sooo long, we had our first party at the house. It was spose to be a dinner for my uncle and aunt before they head back. But i call it a party when there are 2+ families show up. my cousins and i were playin poker...and all of this brought back a lot of memories from childhood. i remember at least 2 parties (yup, even some at our house) each month back when i was a kid. but now, it seems so hard to get the family together. the last time we has a bunch of parties (usually kids bday/Easter/Christmas) was back in 05, before one of us got married and moved to another state. prior and post 05, we went thru this drought. eventually, wen the parties started up slowly, it felt akward. we all kept saying to eachother "man, we havent had one of these in a long". while i was cleaning up and sanitizing everything (ive become quite the germ-o-phobe, and its driving me nuts!), i had this quick memory of a half truth. Back in seventh grade, there was a seventh grade dance and i really wanted to go. i knew if i told my parents the actually truth, they wouldnt have let me gone. So, i thought id tell them that there was going to be some type of 7th grade election and it was mandatory that i be there to vote (i just didnt say wen the actual election was). My brothers also believed this.well... one of my brother's friend also had a younger sister that was in the same grade as me. i guess she told her family the truth, that this was a dance. When i got home, it was kinda funny hearing my brother recap the conversation he had.... My brother: "my sister had to go for some speech election thing tnite" His friend: "u serious, thats weird, my sister said there was some school dance" yea...as u can see, im still alive. | | |
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